During times of outer instability in our economy, fear of the unknown begins to grab hold and contaminate our peace of mind with unsettling imaginings of the worst possible kind.

 These are times when the dragons and demons of fear take hold. Unrealistic expectations come calling and self-doubts increase. 

The chances of relationship explosions with family or friends during these stressful times are high because the currents of emotion, both positive and negative, are over-stimulated.

Heightened emotional stimulation sets the stage for drama. Every good drama has three main characters that must be present and engaged before the drama can begin.

There must be a victim. There must be a persecutor. There must be a rescuer.

These three positions interact to create intrigue, mystery, and mayhem on television, in books, or in the movies. Unfortunately, when the same dynamic plays out in our lives, it often causes us confusion and pain instead of bringing enjoyment and entertainment value.

As a matter of fact, you may be an unsuspecting player in a confusing drama of your own right now. If so, perhaps it would be helpful for you to know how this drama triangle, formally known at the Karpman Triangle works, and more importantly, how to get yourself out of its trap and back into personal sanity. Here is the setup.

You or someone close to you feels victimized. The game starts here with the victim. In order to be a victim, a persecutor must be identified. The season, the government, the weather, the abusive, mean, uncaring and unfeeling parent, husband, wife, boss, friend, or institution all qualifies for this position.

There are specific rules to this game of chaos.

Rule #1: Each player will eventually play all parts. This means that the players switch positions. Let’s use the rapidly changing economic situation as an example.

Misfit Mike is depressed about his fluctuating finances. He is single, has no family nearby and has been so busy with his career that he doesn’t have a social life that gives him a change of mental scenery or a place to let down. Mike is our designated victim.

Socialite Sally lives next door to Mike. She hardly ever sees Mike, but since his business has slowed to a trickle, he is home more often lately. She decides to try to cheer Mike up by including him in a social gathering that she is hosting at her home. Sally is the rescuer. The doomsday economy is the persecutor.

Mike comes to Sally’s party, drinks too much, has underdeveloped social skills, and tells inappropriate jokes at odd times, to cover up his discomfort with being in an intimate setting with strangers. Sally’s friends are appalled at his behavior and let Sally know it.

Mike is now the persecutor. Sally is the victim. Sally can’t bring herself to tell Mike to go home because she invited him. Besides, he lives right next door and she will have to face him again after the party. Frank, whose name fits his personality, comes to Sally’s rescue and tells Mike it is time for him to leave and unceremoniously pushes him out the door, while Mike protests loudly and abusively. The party comes to a screeching halt and everyone leaves shortly.

Socialite Sally is now depressed and makes a firm resolution that this is the last party she will ever have and the last time she will ever reach out to anyone. She started as the rescuer. She ended up as the victim.

See how simple it is to have well-meaning intentions turn into a dramatic nightmare?

Rule #2: The only way out of the drama game is to let go of trying to keep up an image of being the good, right or perfect person and to tell yourself the truth.

Now back to our drama. Sally got caught up in deciding to “make a difference” by trying to change Mike’s attitude. She was willing to extend herself to Mike, more out of the concept of caring and concern than her actual true feelings for him. Actually, Sally has an investment in keeping up an image of bright and bubbly and Mike’s long face was starting to bum her out.  She forgot that she has no control over other people’s behaviors. The real truth is that she doesn’t know him at all and probably made a bad judgment call by including him in a party for her close, intimate friends.

 Mike stayed an outsider with little hope of fitting in with an already established group of friends, so part of the deeper truth is that Sally helped set this disaster up.

The moral to this story? When dramas begin to build around you, revisit this information. Notice which part you are playing. Are you the victim, the persecutor or the rescuer? In what way are you invested in seeing yourself as “one of the good guys”?

Here is one more useful bit of information. In times of heightened stress, we are fully capable of activating this drama triangle all by ourselves within our own mind. We start thinking and feeling victimized. We then criticize and persecute ourselves for thinking and feeling that way. Next we try to rescue ourselves through various distractions, avoidances, denials or manipulations. Then we criticize ourselves for sinking down into all time lows and the inner explosions continue from there.

The antidote is the same, whether internal or external dramas are raging. Stop the cycle by taking a deep breath and settling down. Tap into your intuition by asking for higher guidance regarding what is right action. Let go of trying to be right. Admit that you are neither the Master nor the Mistress of the Universe.

A little humbleness and humor inserted here will go a long way to uncovering a workable perspective and will begin the process of inviting discernment back into your life. Tell yourself the truth.

Lighten up and notice that your self-respect will soon return and bring with it the ability to access, honor, and act on your wisdom, once your knowledge is based on a broader understanding and acceptance of the part you have played in the creation of the drama.

I love you. These words carry potent power to impact our thoughts and feelings.

Love is thought to be the language of the heart. Love is the magic elixir that opens the door to involvement and the deeper realms leading to connection, commitment, vulnerability, and intimacy.

Some overuse the word, until it rolls off our tongue when declaring our preferences for everything from special people to potato chips.

Love you! Love you more! is a formula that freezes the healing power that is the essence of love, into superficial and stagnant ways of interacting with others, without the bothersome experience of true connection.

I see an epidemic of severe loneliness that is running rampant in our society today.

Maybe the topic is in the forefront of my mind lately because I have been highly involved with my mother, who is eighty-five and is now living in a nursing home. Her body is tired but her mind is strong. She is adjusting to the environment she finds herself in and has no real complaints about it. In her words, she is content and is getting her needs met. She feels safe and secure.

On one level, that gives me some peace of mind. It also sparks my curiosity about some of the terms that are used as a self-validation for what I see as a one-way ticket to isolation. My mother could be described as independent, task-oriented, self-contained, happy to pursue her own interests, disinterested in others, with a strong, traditional set of religious values that gives her a mind set that is unquestioned and rock-solid. She does not feel a need to interact with others very often because relationships seem to be “more trouble than they are worth.”

I am creating this fast personality sketch as a springboard to allow us to deepen our exploration into the topic of love, as in connections with others.

Right now, in my mother’s case, I am one of the people who are supplying connection and involvement energy and attention to her. I do it by phone. Her voice lightens when I call. We have good conversations. She tells people that I am her best friend. I am pleased that she feels that way because it is, at least, one thing I can give her.

I generate the calls. She receives them. This works for me because I am clear about what I am doing and why I am doing it. I am willing to stay in this relationship and accept it just the way it is.

However, what if all my relationships followed this same model? We could then describe relationships like this: “We have so much in common. I care about you and you care about you.” Put that way, this is a formula for interactions that are missing the magic, the spark that ignites true intimacy. It takes love and puts it in a straitjacket.

Nothing new happens. We each perform our prescribed roles and responsibilities. One gets to be the giver, the other the receiver. One is the generator and the other is the user. Once is dominant, the other is submissive. One is in control, the other is dependent.

These roles can be mixed and matched in many combinations so that it ‘appears’ that something is happening but the truth is that the vital energy that brings new life to stagnant situations is missing. Each person is operating solo. No surprises and no intrigues.

This kind of relating does deliver predictability and the illusion o f control. It keeps the participants safe and secure in their appointed roles. However, it turns love into a noun. It becomes a predetermined set o f things to do.

When love is executed as a consistent set of thoughts, words and behaviors, it becomes the enemy of intimacy. Love becomes hopelessly buried and burdened with shoulds and have to’s that create distance, resentment, or deep disappointment, in one or both parties.

When love is a noun, it operates like ownership. I “own” you so much; I just want you to be happy. You need to spend more time with me because I “own” you so much. Look how much I do for you, and it’s all because I “own” you.

When love turns into a task, it no longer lives at the hearth of the heart. Instead, it takes up residence in the attic of the mind, no longer respected or valued for its life-giving properties.

Perhaps it is high time to give love a new meaning and top priority by unlocking any tight holds on commands or demands that love must perform for us.

Imagine that your eyes decide to look at the world in a loving way. Feel your heart begin to generate flickers of feelings for the people around you. Allow your mind to let go of thinking you know anything about anyone else. Look at others as though you are seeing them for the first time. Retire you old, worn out definitions of yourself, in favor of uncovering and discovering some deeper longings of your heart.

Imagine that you are sitting in front of a warm and soothing hearth. Allow this warmth to easily and gently relax your feeling nature, soften your eyes and open your arms to renewed relationships full of invitation, possibility and depth.

Susan McNeal Velasquez teaches mentoring seminars  on the topic of how to Unleash The Power of Your Intuition. Her new book: BEYOND INTELLECT: Journey Into The Wisdom of Your Intuitive Mind is available on-line at: Amazon.com. Go to: www.beyondintellect.com.  For additional information or to sign up to receive weekly articles by e-mail go to: www.susanvelasquez.com. You can reach Susan at: (949) 494-7773 or SusanVelas@aol.com.