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November 2008 
The Look of Love
Susan
I love you. These words carry potent power to impact our thoughts and feelings.
Love is thought to be the language of the heart. Love is the magic elixir that opens the door to involvement and the deeper realms leading to connection, commitment, vulnerability, and intimacy.
Some overuse the word, until it rolls off our tongue when declaring our preferences for everything from special people to potato chips.
Love you! Love you more! is a formula that freezes the healing power that is the essence of love, into superficial and stagnant ways of interacting with others, without the bothersome experience of true connection.
I see an epidemic of severe loneliness that is running rampant in our society today.
Maybe the topic is in the forefront of my mind lately because I have been highly involved with my mother, who is eighty-five and is now living in a nursing home. Her body is tired but her mind is strong. She is adjusting to the environment she finds herself in and has no real complaints about it. In her words, she is content and is getting her needs met. She feels safe and secure.
On one level, that gives me some peace of mind. It also sparks my curiosity about some of the terms that are used as a self-validation for what I see as a one-way ticket to isolation. My mother could be described as independent, task-oriented, self-contained, happy to pursue her own interests, disinterested in others, with a strong, traditional set of religious values that gives her a mind set that is unquestioned and rock-solid. She does not feel a need to interact with others very often because relationships seem to be “more trouble than they are worth.”
I am creating this fast personality sketch as a springboard to allow us to deepen our exploration into the topic of love, as in connections with others.
Right now, in my mother’s case, I am one of the people who are supplying connection and involvement energy and attention to her. I do it by phone. Her voice lightens when I call. We have good conversations. She tells people that I am her best friend. I am pleased that she feels that way because it is, at least, one thing I can give her.
I generate the calls. She receives them. This works for me because I am clear about what I am doing and why I am doing it. I am willing to stay in this relationship and accept it just the way it is.
However, what if all my relationships followed this same model? We could then describe relationships like this: “We have so much in common. I care about you and you care about you.” Put that way, this is a formula for interactions that are missing the magic, the spark that ignites true intimacy. It takes love and puts it in a straitjacket.
Nothing new happens. We each perform our prescribed roles and responsibilities. One gets to be the giver, the other the receiver. One is the generator and the other is the user. Once is dominant, the other is submissive. One is in control, the other is dependent.
These roles can be mixed and matched in many combinations so that it ‘appears’ that something is happening but the truth is that the vital energy that brings new life to stagnant situations is missing. Each person is operating solo. No surprises and no intrigues.
This kind of relating does deliver predictability and the illusion o f control. It keeps the participants safe and secure in their appointed roles. However, it turns love into a noun. It becomes a predetermined set o f things to do.
When love is executed as a consistent set of thoughts, words and behaviors, it becomes the enemy of intimacy. Love becomes hopelessly buried and burdened with shoulds and have to’s that create distance, resentment, or deep disappointment, in one or both parties.
When love is a noun, it operates like ownership. I “own” you so much; I just want you to be happy. You need to spend more time with me because I “own” you so much. Look how much I do for you, and it’s all because I “own” you.
When love turns into a task, it no longer lives at the hearth of the heart. Instead, it takes up residence in the attic of the mind, no longer respected or valued for its life-giving properties.
Perhaps it is high time to give love a new meaning and top priority by unlocking any tight holds on commands or demands that love must perform for us.
Imagine that your eyes decide to look at the world in a loving way. Feel your heart begin to generate flickers of feelings for the people around you. Allow your mind to let go of thinking you know anything about anyone else. Look at others as though you are seeing them for the first time. Retire you old, worn out definitions of yourself, in favor of uncovering and discovering some deeper longings of your heart.
Imagine that you are sitting in front of a warm and soothing hearth. Allow this warmth to easily and gently relax your feeling nature, soften your eyes and open your arms to renewed relationships full of invitation, possibility and depth.
Susan McNeal Velasquez teaches mentoring seminars on the topic of how to Unleash The Power of Your Intuition. Her new book: BEYOND INTELLECT: Journey Into The Wisdom of Your Intuitive Mind is available on-line at: Amazon.com. Go to: www.beyondintellect.com. For additional information or to sign up to receive weekly articles by e-mail go to: www.susanvelasquez.com. You can reach Susan at: (949) 494-7773 or SusanVelas@aol.com.
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Susan I took some time to read your blog because I am in transition about love, particularly about receiving it.
I've pretty much always been an easy giver; somewhere along the way I'd concluded unconsciously this was my role, so I have perennially attracted individuals and certainly maintained them also, who just received. This was their role in this relationship. NONE of these has ever worked out for satisfying endings. I am quite clear now there needed to be some give and take understood and frankly that I should not ever appear to have this endless supply that doesn't require refilling.
The fact is, if I chose to, I could sustain such relationships indefinitely. I have known that for many years. I even said at one time that I'd prefer that… famous last words! But the truth is that I do want to be in love relationships that bring joy, excitement and new energy and this is why ultimately I will just end up [I'm embarassed to say this!] bored and unstimulated… and invariably ill or something.
I really don't want this one-sided 'investment' of pure energies. And now that my mind has opened up, I really don't think that these roles should be divided whatsoever… This higher love should flow across all the participants, as long as we both desire the same outcomes…
I'll continue to think on this.
Hopefully I haven't totally sidetracked your original blog!
Thanks so much. Sherri
Dear Sherri, Thanks for taking the time to respond. This is such a huge topic because I do think that there are so many emotionally starved people who are frankly “socially challenged.” They don't know how to get out of themselves enough to risk being vulnerable.
Therefore, it is fairly easy to get in one-sided relationships.
Think rock and water. If a big rock is moved into a flowing river bed, the rock sits there but the water has to adjust its flow. If the rock is moved to the grass, it sits there. If water is moved to the grass, it seeps into the earth and becomes part of the earth.
Water likes to flow. Rock likes to stay solid and contained. I think that the antidote is to attract men that are secure enough to own and actualize both their masculine, make it happen energy, and their feminine, allow it to happen (open and receptive) energy.
To be continued on this one! We could sit up and talk all night and still not cover all the aspects of how to be in relationship when you are unwilling to settle for mediocre! Love that we are connected! Warmly, Susan
Omygosh! I believe you just hit the nail on the head with the very last sentence! That is the place I am totally at right now… there’s just been enough ‘settling’ in my lifetime, to nobody’s benefit I must say.
I actually see it as testimony of the sad state of the world that nobody ‘required’ men - the assumed leaders - to step higher up the ladder of their human potential, to act in concert with their full human spectrum [beyond physical and intellectual to socio-emotional and of course spiritual]. But why would they? If they are not required to?
I’m fatigued as the follower part of the species and I believe very strongly that the leaders have to earn their ability to lead me and us now. [My last spontaneous blogs have gone there!]
And I HAVE tried to give and allow that room for the other party to give, I have no doubt about it, but it really was very difficult for them. They are, in fact, handicapped/challenged there.
I’m getting all convoluted here which isn’t my intention. I think I am just excited that you brought up my big subject right now. There are SO MANY women in my circle who love life and love men, not an ounce of bashing in progress, but just feel they are shortchanging their spirits and their hearts consistently by maintaining the Quality or lack thereof, of relationships that they are experiencing. We don’t want to be ‘carrying’ our supposed partners along anymore…
I hope you find the wherewithal to come on by again. If you don’t mind your blog being the home for this discussion we can speak on email, I don’t mind at all.
Thanks Susan!
Sherri
Weird, it looks like my reply saved that I thought was lost… weird. I'm not going to edit again too much.
This song for all of us: Higher Love by Steve Winwood.
Long story short, settling isn't helping anybody; evolution is begging for all of us to require more of and for ourselves. The rock analogy is that it gets left sitting there while the waters flow by and the universe enriches and nourishes that which moves with it…
Humans were not built to be rocks and sit and grow moss around them, they are to grow like the trees and the grasses as well! The difference is that we all have the gift of free will of whether to engage in the circle of life or not! The wannabe rocks are just that, choosing to hold their hearts and their spirits in check. And so they forfeit the richness of life…
Thanks so much love, Sherri
Dear Sherri, I love all that you have to say about this topic. Funny, I woke up with you on my mind this morning. This was the message: We have to remember that if we care about someone more than they care about themselves, they control us!!!! More later! (I have an appointment that just got here!! Warmly, Susan
Yes, very quick response. Control that I handed over very graciously, 'being nice' hahhaa What's the point eh? Growth must occur, the easy or the hard way…
Look forward to more inputs!
Take care. Sherri
Dear Sherri, I'm back! One of the things that I wanted to share is that I am actively working on giving myself permission to not care and not respond.
What I mean by that is that there was a time in my personal development when I decided that caring was the most important quality that I had to offer and so if I could, I would give as much as possible.
The result? I became a “victim of caring.” I had to care. Therefore I was being controlled by many people, on subtle levels, but controlled anyway. I was also finding that I was becoming disappointed in the people around me. Therefore I was losing vitality, lightheartedness, and my ability to laugh at myself. I started to become heavy-hearted.
I see growth like an S curve. At one point in the S, it requires one aspect of myself to be activated, and as I curve around a new corner, it sometimes requires the exact opposite.
So, at this time in my life, I am activating a stronger, clearer relationship with my own masculine energy, so that I have appropriate boundaries.
I started noticing that the men who are “energy bottomless pits” are also usually men that don't have any male friends. I think the reason is that men won't put up with “fake sensitivity” or manipulation. So, I am taking a page from the book of the good men I know, and consciously withholding my tendency to over-give.
I am now looking at the fact that caring about everything, may lead to caring about nothing. That is something that I am unwilling to entertain.
Any thoughts? Warmly, Susan
Gosh, what can I say? YOU SAID IT! I am so thankful to see it wasn't just me going through this phase. In fact, for so many years I felt responsible for others because I seemed to have more to give than they did… I don't know where that came from.
I know I wanted to show them there is no shortage, that they can give from themselves and their hearts and so there would always be plenty… It was a pioneering thing hahaha and totally mindless and useless from all indications. They didn't see it anyway; it was like you said treated as 'easy pickings' and I missed the subtleties much of the time. I might add I used to do it for women and men as well; my weakness is for men though. I always gave them some strange form of pity because of their obvious disconnection from their hearts often.
That particular hero complex departed in recent times when I realised how many young girls and women I know are falling for the exact same 'lines' that I did repeatedly and turning their lives in sometimes tragic directions. Again, perfectly solid and open minded women who just want to believe that since they are truthful and self-challenging, the other person is as well. Not at all [lots of single-parents in my midst…]
For me, because I always look outwards, I have for the past several years directed my energies to improving the cause for the masses. It was something I did passionately and like you said, it required an absolute immersion in selflessness and deep care. It was like 'tough care'… male-energy approaches to giving care to others. It was the ingredient that was needed. I have no regrets at all, and those who I wanted to really help have been helped, no question.
Now the others who went along for the ride? The 'partners', the 'friends' etc.? They just got swept up in the glow of things and were no real form of support for me as I would have needed; in fact they'd just bail out on me at really important times. My 'management' of my own personal space was not mindful nor caring enough.
I said in a recent blog that although I appreciate the concept of detachment, which would be the other side of the S-curve for me, I truly don't want to be desensitised to the point of not being able to feel sensations and enjoy subtleties. I call it 'sensory pleasing'… And so I am in fact seeking the balance in my thinking so that I will be in a better place to 'attract' the right, more balanced kind of person as well. I am also trying not to get angry anymore with people who 'took advantage' since my belief is that I gave it away. I have to be honest. There were really many occasions I could have stopped things very early in the game but I didn't. And so I learned the hard way. But I don't want these types of endings anymore…
I just did up a new page for my web site that is appropriate. Take a look. Compassion.
So nice to talk with you. Sherri
Your new page on compassion is so well done. It is concise, easy to read and you addressed the essence of all that we have been talking about. Bravo!!! I want to sign up but my mail i mac mail is screwed up in some way so I couldn't mail my request. Can you add my e-mail address: susanvelas@aol.com or do I need to do that? The new page is beautiful! I want to know more about what you are doing. Warmly, Susan
Susan I will be more than happy to sign you up directly. About what I am doing? Gosh everyday it's emerging. Right now I'm just involved with Quality of Life education and I'm using all the mechanisms that corporate usually uses but definitely focussed on helping society and not take from it. It's all fairly silent but very effective.
I like the ideas of beauty and simplicity which is why I keep my web pages so 'plain'; it's highly impactful. Too much chatter is going on already! I chatter here on GAIA lol
I do talks and qualitative studies and I teach people about personal excellence and life skills. Everything surrounds harmony and universal principles.
I will be in touch by email in a bit; I am tidying up a few commitments I have made for this week. Thank you so much for the interest and the feedback. It's inspiring.
Sherri